Atonement
by Mystic Keeper
Summary: Six months after the events of Meteor, Tifa is haunted by nightmares. Can anyone help her make the nightmares stop?


**Atonement**

_ Darkness. I'm kneeling, I'm standing, I'm searching…_

"_Wh, where am I…? What's happening? I…? Where's Cloud…!? Cloud, where are you!?"_

_A voice, rasping desperately, seductively, mocking her fear…_

_**You're lying, Tifa…. ** _

"_Huh…what…? Who? Who is it.? I can't hear…?"_

_**This game you're playing….it's disgusting. Your relationship with Cloud has been built on lies. You're **_**fak_e . You've always been a fake, pretending, just so everyone would like you. And now you're lying again. You know the truth about Cloud….You're only lying so you can pretend you have someone who cares about you_**_.  
_

"_Wait a minute…! I don't know anything about that! No! It's not me…! I'd never do anything like that!!"_

_**Even now, you lie!**  
_

"_No! Stop it……!! Stay back!! Somebody help! Please!! Cloud, help me!! Eyaaaaaaagh………!!"_

_I'm spinning, I'm falling…out of control. Darkness. I can't stop, I can't… _

"Stop!" Tifa screamed as her body jolted awake. Her forehead was damp with sweat and she was breathing heavily. "Dream…" She chanted to herself. The darkness pulled at her soul, enticing and begging her to fall into it again. She shook herself. "It was a….dream….just a dream…." She sat up, pushing her sheets off of her body and leaning forward to rest her forehead on the palms of her hands. Her legs hung off the edge of the bed. These nightmares had been plaguing her sleep for months and nothing she did would make them go away, no matter how good of a day she had before going to sleep. She felt nausea raging in her stomach, threatening to burn her throat with poison. She waited until the swirling images had faded, and then looked up. Pictures of herself and the rest of AVALANCHE smiled at her from her dresser. She stared for a moment, and then stood up.

"It was just a dream…."

Fresh out of the shower, Tifa finished tying a pink ribbon to her left arm, just above the elbow. It had been six months since AVALANCHE had parted ways, but since then, every member had worn a pink ribbon in honor of Aeris. Out of all of them, Aeris was the least deserving of death, yet she had been the one who had died. Tifa had thought that after losing so many people, it would've gotten easier, but she'd been wrong. First her mother, then her community, her father, Biggs, Wedge, Jessie, Aeris…..And now Cloud, in a way. He had completely ostracized himself from everyone after defeating Sephiroth. She had tried calling him a few times, but he made absolutely no effort to keep the conversation going. He responded to her questions with one-word answers and never contributed anything himself. After experiencing the painful awkwardness twice, Tifa decided to give up for a while. Lockheart was turning out to be a good surname.

Now downstairs, she chewed her toast while surveying the bar and Christmas decorations of Final Heaven, making sure everything looked alright. The white electric lights of the Christmas tree illuminated the otherwise dark room. The lights reflected off of the glossy tabletops. Also hanging from the tree were multi-colored orbs of materia. Yuffie had text-messaged her PHS with the idea a few weeks ago. That had been the last she'd heard from anyone in a while…it seemed she would be spending Christmas alone again this year. Her eyes got hard, suddenly, fighting back emotion. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and then opened them again to carry her food to the sink. She shouldn't need anyone else to feel happy. She shouldn't. And she didn't.

A few hours later, the tables had been polished and everything was set to open for the evening's business. Tifa collapsed in a chair, ready to turn on the data screen for the news when her PHS rang. Frowning, she answered, wondering who it could be.

"Yo! Tifa!"

"…Barret?"

"Of course! Who the hell did ya think it was?! Anyway…you best be closin' up that bar of yours, and get your skinny ass outside the gate!"

"….What? I can't just close everything up, I'm having customers tonight. And why do I have to-----"

"Jus' shu'up an' get out here! NOW! #)&#)!!!!!!"

With that, Barret hung up. Tifa stared at her PHS, wondering what Barret wanted. Surely there weren't monsters somewhere that needed to be taken care of…? Oh, well. One day without business wouldn't hurt her too badly, and Barret wouldn't have called if it wasn't important. After grabbing some of her materia off the tree, she locked her door and made her way to the Sector 7 gate.

The gates leading outside of Midgar used to be locked to average civilians, but after the city was rebuilt, they were open to everyone. Tifa crossed over the city line, leaving Midgar. She paced back and forth, waiting for Barret to show up. Snow lay on the ground, layered just above her ankles. Suddenly, she felt her hair being tugged at by the wind. Now, a far-away noise…getting louder…it was an engine. Suddenly the sun was temporarily blocked, and Tifa gasped and she realized the Highwind was hovering above her. Barret and Marlene were waving enthusiastically to her, and Red XIII reared up on his hind legs in greeting. She was fighting with her emotions again, but this time her struggle resulted in a smile. Barret had thrown the rope ladder over the side, and Tifa climbed, her heart swelling with each rung. Once at the top, she was engulfed in a bear-hug from Barret.

"Tifa!! Damn, I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too, Barret…." She said. Marlene shouted and ran into Tifa's arms. Tifa marveled at how tall she had gotten since they'd last seen each other. Letting go of Marlene, she felt something furry nuzzle her palm.

"Oh, Red XIII!" She wrapped her arms around his neck while he bristled, standing slightly awkwardly under her attention.

"Come on, let's go up," said Barret. "There's a few other people waiting to say hello to you." Tifa obliged, wondering who else would be there, and hoping against hope that Cloud would be there, waiting for her.

They reached the cockpit and her eyes quickly scanned the people present. Cloud was not one of them. _This is exactly like after the Weapons were released…I was so excited…everyone was here…everyone except for Cloud…_

"Hi, Tifa," said Yuffie, who was standing closest to her. "I'm a little…queasy….but I thought I'd try to stick it out up here, just for you!" She noticed the materia that Tifa had equipped in her Premium Heart. "Hey….maybe you could pay me back with some materia…you know, if you happened to be feeling generous or something…"

"Oh, I think you've already got your fair share of materia, Yuffie," said Tifa, smiling.

Tifa looked to the cockpit and saw Cid resting his arms on the wheel. Shera was close to him, and he was swearing at her. He lazily saluted her in greeting, promptly turning back to Shera.

Vincent was standing down the steps, in his usual place. Oddly enough, he smiled when Tifa approached him. She wasn't sure if she remembered ever seeing him smile.  
"Hello, Tifa. How have you been?" His metal claw reflected the sun, contrasting with his dark crimson clothing.

"Oh, I've been….fine. I opened up the bar again, you know. They rebuilt Sector 7 when they rebuilt Midgar, so that's where I put up Final Heaven. Business has been good…"

"Well, that's good. I couldn't help but notice your face fall a little bit when you came up here. Looking for Cloud?"

Tifa was startled by Vincent's bluntness. "Well, I….I mean, of course, I was looking for everyone, and Cloud wasn't here…I've known him the longest, and I just miss him," her voice cracked. "I miss everyone, I don't know. Don't you ever just get lonely? Well, that's a stupid question. You're always alone, I'm sure you're used to it…"

"Of course I get lonely, Tifa. Just because I am frequently alone doesn't mean that I enjoy it."

"Yeah…I guess you're right." She turned, realizing that Barret was standing behind her. "Where are we going, anyway, Barret? Why are we all here?" Barret grinned and Marlene practically jumped up and down, as she yelled,

"Tifa, we're going to Costa del Sol! Because it's Christmas! In the condo!" Tifa smiled at Marlene.

"Well, that's good, but…Christmas….presents….I don't have presents for anyone because I didn't think I would be seeing everyone so soon…."

"Hey! Don' worry about it, we don't NEED no presents! It's Christmas, and we jus' need to get together. We need to do it a helluva lot more often, if you want my opinion! So jus' enjoy your time with us! And….you're doing the cookin', Tifa. That's the way it's gotta be." Barret looked down at her authoritatively, even though they both knew she was more than willing to cook.

"Alright, then. Isn't Costa del Sol a little…..warm….for Christmas?"

"No, it ain't! Me and Marlene, we've got it all decorated up nice for everyone with snowflakes and all that other shit!"

"_You_ and Marlene decorated it? Awww, Barret, that's so _cute!"_

"Shu'up!" There ain't nothin' cute about it! Marlene wanted 'em, so all I did was help her—"

"Daddy, _you're _ the one who dragged me out to buy all the decorations while I was still in my pajamas!" Everyone laughed as Barret shook his fist, pretending to be furious by his daughter's revelation.

After many hours of cooking, eating, and reminiscing, Tifa finally lied down on her cot to go to sleep. Her cot was in the basement of the condo, alongside a pile of boxes. Vincent sprawled on a cot a couple feet away from hers. She supposed that normal people would be a bit weirded out at the prospect of sharing a room with another man, but after sharing rooms (and sometimes, beds!) with AVALANCHE for months, Tifa was used to it. In truth, the members of AVALANCHE felt like her siblings, with the obvious exception of Cloud.

_Well, at least I know I won't have any nightmares tonight…today has ended up being perfect, and I know that I don't need Cloud to be happy when I have so many friends…_. Tifa closed her brandy-colored eyes and soon drifted off to sleep.

_Darkness. I'm searching, I'm standing, I'm falling, I'm crawling…_

_Ice invades her blood, freezing her very soul. Her faces screws up, ready to cry…_

"_Papa…Sephiroth!?"_

Why you, Daddy? First Mom and now you….why?! Why not me?! Why do you have to leave me alone like this, please Daddy, this has to be a dream, wake up, wake up!

_She sits up, her hands trembling._

"_Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he!?"_

_She stares at the blood seeping from the man…from her father…seeping from the warm body of her father and on to the cold, metallic floor…_

_Fire begins to spread through her blood, melting the ice with a deep, burning hatred._

"_Sephiroth….SOLDIER…Mako Reactors…Shinra…Everything! I hate them all!"_

_She picks up the sword, wetting some of her fingers in the blood of her father. Rage became a filter through which all conscious thought flowed through, and, sword in hand, she ran into the reactor. Sephiroth was there, waiting for her. Sneering at her tears, waiting for her to attack him. She did, and he immediately took his sword back,_

_**you are so pathetic….your attempts are so futile….you are nothing, and you can't take anything back….you change nothing and now** _

_and cuts her, slashing her from chest to navel._

My body is screaming, I am screaming, I am falling, I am bleeding

_She hit the floor, head first._

_**You are worthless, you have failed, you have nothing, you are nothing  
**_

I am nothing.

"…No! No, go….go away! Stop it, stay back! I can't…can't fight you any more, go away!" She was sobbing.

A rustling noise…. _Oh, no…_

"Tifa?" Vincent sat up, facing her cot from his. "Tifa, why are you crying?"

She rubbed her palms against her eyes, trying to get rid of the tears. She drew in several shaky breaths, trying to start speaking and then stopping.

"I'm so sorry, Vincent….You should go back to sleep, it's nothing. Really, I….I have these dreams a lot, but they're just dreams. Don't worry about me, I'm fine." She smiled at him, still curled up on her side and clutching her covers. Her eyes were shining with tears, and one slid down her cheek despite her best efforts. Vincent gave her a withering glare.

"Tifa, if you don't want to talk about it, then fine. But don't tell me to ignore the suffering of a friend, because I won't." He lay down on his back and for a while they sat in silence. Then,

"Vincent? What did you dream about? In your coffin, I mean….you were there for so long…" Vincent remained silent for a long time. Tifa would have thought he was asleep, but she could see his open eyes. Finally, he said,

"I don't know if you would call them dreams so much as I'd call them nightmares. I dreamt of Lucrecia many, many times. How I just let her go with absolutely no fight…I didn't even try. And of Hojo….the gunshot, the mutations, the…experiments. The sneer on his face when he realized I had seen him and Lucrecia…together. Again…I dreamt of many things, Tifa. But nearly all of it was painful, so I guess I'd call them nightmares." Tifa looked across the room at Vincent on the cot…He was shrouded in his black and red clothing. His bangs stuck out from the fabric wrapped around his head. Compassion for his suffering flooded her….along with empathy. His nightmares were like Tifa's – death, violence, but most of all, the feeling of powerlessness…unworthiness, and despair.

"Did you…feel better? When we came and woke you up, I mean?" Another long period of silence followed before he spoke again.

"I don't know if I will ever feel….'better.' I felt so powerless…When Cloud told me his story and I realized what was happening on the Planet….I looked at all of you, who were fighting. And I guess that, at that time, I decided that I had a choice. The first option was to go back to my coffin and keep reliving my sins, over and over again and never quite feeling that I had really atoned for them. The second option was to join you and your fight. Your fight against… what was so clearly a wrong for the entire Planet. Does penance come from shame and guilt? I don't think so. The past has already happened. Feeling bad about it will change nothing. And even worse, feeling guilt over it will only distract us from doing right in the present. The most terrible thing your past can do to you is rob you of your future, or the futures of those you love….But it can only do that if you let it."

"Well….what can I do, though? When we woke you up, we were fighting against Shinra and Sephiroth. But our fight is over now and there is no real way for me to do my "penance," as you call it."

"Of course there is, Tifa. All you need to do is make the right choice, each and every time you are presented with one. You can choose to help the people you encounter, or choose to not help. You can choose to work hard, or you can choose not to. You can choose to try to get to know people, or you can choose to simply serve them food. You know what choices are right…and those choices are the only things you have control over now. So concentrate on them….on what you _can_ change, and eventually you won't be plagued by your past. It will fade…still a part of you…but it will fade."

Tifa was silent for a long time.

"Thanks, Vincent….I'm sorry if I made you feel bad by bringing all of this up again…" There was a long silence, but this time Vincent didn't answer Tifa at all. She strained her eyes to his cot, and realized his eyes were no longer open. She stayed awake for a long time thinking and fighting within her mind. Finally, she closed her eyes and drifted into a peaceful sleep.


End file.
